A place to connect and share things learned in this journey through life.

Photograph by Sara B. Healy

This article was difficult to write because I have spent years focusing on what’s positive in my life. Despite this, I recognize that there is both a light and a dark side to the web of life.

I was reminded of this dark side recently when I ran into an old friend and was shocked by his appearance. He looked like a shell of his old self. We had lunch and he shared his story.

A few years ago he’d met someone he considered to be the “woman of his dreams.” She made him believe in love again.

The Emotional Predator Feeds on You

After their marriage things began to change. She found fault with his friends and family members until they slowly disappeared from his life.

She complained about anything from the clothes he wore to how he looked. He lost confidence and stopped defending himself. Their life revolved around only what she needed or wanted to do.

This woman eventually left him for someone else after having taken most of his money, as well as his spirit. He looked shell-shocked; the life had been drained from him.

I didn’t say it then, but I knew what had happened. He had encountered what I call the “toxic vampire”; something I too have experienced.

Abusive Personality Traits

A toxic vampire drains the emotional energy from you. They aren’t always love interests; they can also be a friend, co-worker or family member.

How do you know if you’ve encountered a toxic vampire? I’m no expert, but from my perspective, toxic vampires have certain personality traits:

Larger than life personalities make them attractive.

To some degree these people fit the narcissistic personality. They have a great need for attention and believe the world revolves around them. Their inflated sense of self-importance makes them appear highly self-assured and confident.

They lack empathy but are skilled at faking it.

Initially, they will make you feel you are the center of their universe. They can be very loving but only for short periods of time. When things start to fall apart they take no responsibility and feel no compassion for the other person.

They have many characteristics of the “toxic personality.”

Dr. John Lewis Lund, author of “How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities,” describes these personalities:

“A toxic personality is one you cannot please. He or she is incapable of giving total acceptance. YOU WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH. They dangle acceptance like a carrot on a string. The person who wants to be accepted and appreciated can never quite reach the carrot because toxic people only give partial acceptance.”

They will do anything to get their way, including emotionally abusing people.

The difference between the general toxic personality and the toxic vampire is that the toxic vampire goes beyond “partial acceptance.” If they don’t get their way they will reject and hurt the person perceived as blocking them. They may become abusive, perhaps not physically, but emotionally.

Awareness Supports Healing

There are more characteristics than I have listed here. I encourage you to share any knowledge you have of this personality type to support other readers.

My friend is back with his family and friends and is slowly healing. He has the support of positive energy that will replace what was sucked out of him, but it will take time.

Most importantly, he has accepted that he was more than a victim. He allowed the toxic vampire to use him. Accepting this wasn’t easy, but his understanding may save him from a similar situation in the future. He has taken back control over his life.

The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny. ~ Albert Ellis

What About You?

Have you ever encountered a toxic vampire or known someone who has? If so, how did you deal with this experience?

What recommendations would you give to others to avoid a toxic vampire?

I welcome you to provide information about suggested reading on this topic. Please add it to your comments.

Suggested Readings

Two blogger friends have published an excellent book that touches on this same subject. Lori of Think Like a Black Belt and Betsy of Passing Thru co-authored, The Narcissist: A User’s Guide, which covers almost everything you can think of about the narcissistic personality. Also, did I mention that it’s a free download? It is and I highly recommend that you check this book out.

{ 12 comments }