Driving in the mountains of Switzerland is a lesson in patience. My boyfriend and I decided to visit a small town at the top of a nearby mountain. To get there, we had to take a very scary mountain road.
If you were a Formula One driver, this would be the road for you. As we went up, the road narrowed and the hairpin turns became more frequent. This meant we would drive into a blind turn and often find ourselves squeezing by a big farm truck.
To add to our nervousness, the only guardrails were wooden fences meant to keep the cows from dropping off the mountain, not the cars. Hey, when agriculture is a major business, you have get your priorities right!
I found the drive terrifying and to deal with my fear, kept giving my boyfriend driving advice. As you can imagine, he became rather annoyed (rightly so) at me.
This led to our first Swiss fight, not a good thing in a country that prides itself on its neutrality!
Once we were at the top, my boyfriend parked the car and turned to me to say, “Hey, I’m driving the car and it’s hard enough. A little more encouragement and a little less advice would be nice.”
He had a point.
This was a tough lesson for me, especially as a life coach. While I thought I was being helpful, I had forgotten a main concept in life coaching, which is “clients are whole, resourceful and creative.”
Driving up that mountain road was difficult for my boyfriend, but he was perfectly capable of doing it. If he needed help, he would have asked me. He is whole, resourceful and creative.
But, let’s face it. It’s so tempting to give advice, thinking it will be helpful. Falling into this trap, however, is a mistake. Advice is fine when someone asks for it, but when you give it without permission, it usually makes the person feel worse, rather than better.
Unasked for advice implies a lack of trust that the person can resolve whatever they’re dealing with on their own. Sometimes people need to struggle and figure out their own way of getting through a difficult time.
As a friend, we need to listen, ask questions, but basically help the person find their own solutions.
Think about it. How do you feel when you find your own way out of a problem? I know from my own experience, it’s a very empowering feeling!
Okay, I know what you’re thinking. We all have the friend that talks and talks, but never seems to find a resolution. If this happens, ask the person if they really want to solve the problem.
Give the responsibility back to them. Ask if they can think of one or two things they could do that might help or ask if they want you to suggest ideas. The key word here is to “ask,” not tell.
The next time you have a friend struggling with a problem, consider asking if he or she wants your advice. If they don’t, let them know that you trust them. I think your friend will appreciate you all the more for believing in them.
Remember, in a car there really IS only one driver.
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