Have you ever given a gift or complimented someone and they haven’t responded back? There’s no “thank you” or “I really appreciate the thought.” Instead, just silence. Did you find yourself just a tiny bit angry? This happened to me not long ago.
I sent a friend a small gift, which I had made in honor of her promotion. She never said a word about the gift. I know she got it because a mutual friend mentioned it. Her silence really bugged me. The longer time went by, the more annoyed I was with her. Eventually, I wasn’t talking to her anymore.
Lately, I’ve been studying about Zen Buddhism. I told the story about the gift to a friend of mine who’s a bit more advanced in the “Zen” mindset than I am. She looked at me and said, “Sara, you didn’t give a gift; you gave a want.”
I thought about what she said. While hard to admit, I did WANT my friend to acknowledge my gift. I wasn’t thinking as much about her success, as I was about what I had made for her. In short, my ego wanted approval.
I’ve been learning that the ego can get you into trouble. It’s like an over-controlling parent, always telling you what you should do and never quite approving of you. To find our true self in a Zen way, we need to check our ego at the door.
Okay, I admit it. At times, this is a hard concept for me to grasp. While I get it sometimes, I often find myself hanging out with the ego crowd, such as Be Somebody, Get Approval and Be a Success!
Therefore, I spent some time considering my expectations about the gift I had made. I realized it wasn’t important; it was just a symbol. The real gift was my happiness about my friend’s success and sharing it with her, not what I had made her.
Some lessons are hard to learn.
I don’t know if I can mend the relationship with my friend, but I will try. On the other hand, I have learned how to give a gift in a more Zen way. Turns out it’s not that complicated. All I have to do is put all my caring and love into the gift, hand it to the person, and then let it go.
Now, it’s your turn.
What about you?
Have you experienced an “ego” moment that taught you a lesson?
Care to share it?
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Kathy 10.24.08 at 12:32 pm
WOW!! “You didn’t give a gift, you gave a want.”
I grew up in a family in which manipulation and self gratification were the norm. I can honestly say, I tend to view every “gift” as a “want.” Now I see that “giving wants” is just another name for gifts that have strings attached.
I’ve always had trouble accepting gifts graciously. I think I’m beginning to see the root cause of that affliction!
Jennifer (Danifer) 10.24.08 at 12:47 pm
Hi Sara. I completely understand the first part of your post and how you felt about giving your friend a gift. I suppose I need to brush up on my Zen, because I am having a hard time with the last part of your post. The way I see it, gift-giving IS supposed to be selfless and from the heart. But just because you would like people to use common courtesy and thank you or acknowledge your gift doesn’t mean that you aren’t still acting from your heart. It’s like following the Golden Rule. You should treat others the way that you wish to be treated and I try to live my life like that. Sometimes I go to extremes (like saying thank you to someone who has given ME a thank you note). I have learned to appreciate a lot of things that people do and I hope that they do the same for me. And because I live my life like that, I don’t feel as if it’s wrong in hoping others will reciprocate. If they do not, I admit, I might lose a little respect for them. Sorry, it’s the Virgo in me. I know I still have a lot of growing to do, perhaps I should grab a Zen book and explore.
Davina 10.24.08 at 4:37 pm
Hi Sara. This is interesting. I’ve experienced this before and it feels different every time. Sometimes I want approval of the gift if it is something I’ve made; I know that is that lovely ego person.
But, I have noticed that sometimes if I don’t “hear” the recognition or the “thanks” it feels like the gift hasn’t really been received. I believe that if a friend gives a friend a gift a thank you speaks volumes. I hope you can mend this friendship if that is what you want.
Sarah 10.27.08 at 4:07 pm
@Jennifer
I’m not saying I’m always good at being Zen-like. I grew up in a time when we actually wrote thank you notes on real paper for ANY gift received. I think doing this is a good thing even in Zen, it completes the circle of caring. I try to do this. On the other hand, it’s very freeing when I’m not invested in getting a response to a gift or something else I’ve done for someone. Then, if I do get a response, it’s just icing on the cake.
I’m also very pleased to discover that Danifer is Jennifer. I don’t how I missed it. And there’s nothing wrong with being a Virgo…one of my favorite people is one…my younger daughter!!!
SBH