Are you the person everyone goes to during a crisis? Are you always helping someone else and never have time to do the things you love? If someone needs you, do you feel selfish if you don’t help them?
If you answered any of these questions with a YES, you might want to practice just saying NO.
NO is a small word, but it’s also very essential. Learning how to say this small word is important. Not only does it help you set boundaries for yourself, it’s also good for your heath.
Research shows that good health and longevity are increased when we feel satisfied and happy. By learning to say NO, you have time to nurture yourself and do the things you love. This is key to feeling satisfied and happy.
There may be times when helping someone IS satisfying and something we really want to do, but for some of us, we help because we think we MUST do it. When we’re responding more to the “must do,” our lives become unbalanced.
NO allows you to create balance in your life.
Therefore, if you look at your schedule and see that you don’t have any time left for taking care of yourself, it is time to start saying NO. Here are a few tips that might help:
Become comfortable saying NO.
Think of a situation when you said yes and you really wanted to say NO. Look in a mirror and using that situation, practice saying NO. To take this a step farther, practice with a friend. Let them try to convince you to say yes. Keep practicing until you can say NO comfortably and assertively.
Remember not every situation requires a definite Yes or NO.
Sometimes you can find the middle ground or make a counter-offer. For example, when someone asks you for a favor, you can always suggest a time that would be more convenient. You might say, “I can’t do it tonight, but how about tomorrow?”
Keep in mind you can say NO in a nice way.
Many times, people say yes because they don’t want to appear selfish or hurt someone’s feelings. Yet, over time, constantly saying yes can cause resentment and even exhaustion. Fortunately, you can learn to say NO very nicely.
A friend once told me how she learned to do this. Every year, her pastor asked her to chair their church’s annual benefit. After years of doing this, she needed a break. So, when her pastor asked, she simply said, “Thank you for asking me and it’s an honor, but I can’t do it at this time.” She let him know that she was honored to be asked, but she still said NO.
Learning to say NO gives you time to do things that support your mental and physical well-being. That’s not selfish or uncaring; it’s healthy.
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What about you?
What suggestions do you have for saying NO nicely?
What positive things have happened when you said No, instead of YES?
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
My mother in law absolutely REFUSES to take “NO” for an answer. So I had to build up my “NO” muscle to survive!
Saying “NO” really is like building a muscle. The more you say it, the easier it gets.
Kathy – Virtual Impaxs last blog post..Steps to Starting a Small Business: #7 Your USP – Unique Selling Proposition
I try and remind myself that I am saying “no” to the request and “yes” to the person. This may sound like a contradiction but it works.
Sometimes we cut off our needs and feelings because we have a genuine desire to contribute to the well being of others AND we forget to factor ourselves into the equation. We say yes, when we really want to say no. But, I think the person we have just said “yes” to can sense this gap between our words and our inner most desire. Most people would rather have honesty, though there are those who are cut off from their own feelings and needs and are focused on their strategy of getting support.
So how can you say no with honesty and compassion?
First of all, Get clear on the needs the person is hoping to meet with their request to you. And then, get clear on the request. A request is clear when you can visualize exactly what you would be doing. (When? For how long? How often? With who? Where?).
Example:
You: “So, in asking me to work overtime you are hoping to clear the backlog of work?”
Your boss: “Well, yes, we have a big project coming up and my boss wants the deck to be clear when it comes in.”
You: “Oh, I see, you are needing support to prepare for the next major project for our team. You are also feeling under some pressure from your boss. Is that it?” (check that you are getting how it is for them)
Next, let them know the needs are alive for you.
You: “Well, I’m feeling torn because contributing to our team is important to me and I want to be there for you. Yet, I promised my daughter I would help her with a major school project this weekend. Honoring my commitments to her is important to me too.”
Third, brainstorm a strategy in which all needs could be met.
You: “Do you have any ideas about how I could take care of supporting our team to get ready for the new project AND honor my commitment to my daughter this weekend?”
Your boss: “Well, it does have to be done by Friday next week. I just thought we could clear the backlog in one big sesssion on Saturday. But maybe we could do it by working late for 2 evenings next week?”
You: “Yes, that would work. Her project is due in on Monday so I could work Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday or if the only time you have is on the weekend Joe has the same skills on the database as me – he might be available on Saturday.”
Your boss: “OK, let me check with Joe ‘cos I would prefer to work Saturday. If he’s not available I’ll get back to you”.
Saying “no” really means you’re saying yes to other needs.
When there is a sense of connection and honoring of the needs of both, you will be able to find a decision that truly meets everyone’s needs. All needs can be met. It just doesn’t always look the way we think it will.
Notice when you want to say no this week and see if you can pause. Listen for the needs behind the request and make sure you really know what the request is. Then express the needs you’re saying yes to. Look for a way all needs can be met.
leonas last blog post..Your favourite hobby is not a luxury
@leona — I really like the idea of saying “no to the request and yes to the person.” Your dialogue was great and very helpful. It showed how you CAN say yes to the person without compromising your own goals. Thank you very much for your comment!
Nice
Thanks for sharing, your written is Exceptional
@ armada — I’m glad you liked both of these posts. Knowing when to say and when to say no is a very important life lesson, don’t you think:~)
Sara! It’s great that you’ve recommended something very positive for my life to live with by simply saying “NO”. But it will be a long struggle to develop such kind of a confidence. Can’t you prescribe more on developing that kind of a confidence? May God bless you.
Sara, these are great tips. Thank you!
You are so appropriately named:
Sara – Princess + “Heal”y
The Princess of Healing.
Rather like that. There’s always something in a name.
JamieDedes´s last [type] ..THIS EXHAUSTED MIND- Rest in Natural Great Peace
@ Jamie — You are nice and funny:~) I like the name “Heal”y.