Do you remember the movie When Harry Met Sally? There’s a scene where Sally is having lunch with two of her friends, Alice and Marie. Marie, who’s been having an affair with a married man for about two years, begins to complain about the fact that he’s never going to leave his wife.
It’s obvious her friends have heard this story again and again. In the movie, they keep telling her, “He’s not going to leave his wife!” Yet, Marie continues to complain.
Difficult People
Marie fits the profile of a person who constantly says “Yes, but…”. I call these people, “Yes But People”, and have been one myself. A Yes But Person is someone who talks about the same problem over and over again, but never seems to resolve it. They can be difficult people to deal with, but most of us have either been one, or dealt with one at some point in our lives.
Here’s the scenario. A person has a problem and asks for your advice. You listen, perhaps ask a few questions and offer some suggestions, to which they immediately shoot down with “Yes, I could do that, but…” (fill in the blank). This same scenario is repeated over and over.
This can be a very annoying and frustrating experience. It’s like they’re stuck in quicksand. No matter how many times you try to give them a rope, they refuse to take it. It almost as if they are choosing to remain stuck.
That’s the problem with Yes But People. They aren’t intentionally difficult people. Rather, they are trapped in the cycle of being stuck, even if they don’t realize it. They can’t seem to move forward to resolve the problem that’s bugging them (and you).
What can you do?
Here are some suggestions you can try when dealing with anyone who is caught in the cycle of saying “Yes, but…”.
Acknowledge their fear, uncertainty and doubt.
Often people say “Yes, but…” because they are afraid of what they need to do. In Marie’s case, it seemed she was afraid that if she confronted her married boyfriend, he might end their relationship and she would be alone. Until they acknowledge their fears, it’s hard for these Yes But People to address their problem realistically.
Avoid getting caught up in solving their problems. Instead, put the responsibility back on them.
When dealing with a Yes But Person, you can’t solve their problems. They have to do it themselves. One way to help them move beyond saying “Yes, but…”,” is to ask them open-ended questions. These questions will force them to think of their own solutions, rather than shooting down yours. Here are some examples:
1. What’s keeping you from finding a solution to your problem?
2. What action could you take today to help with this problem?
3. If this were my problem, what would you suggest I do to solve it?
Another thing you can try is to brainstorm. This must be a two-way brainstorming session; you give a solution and they give a solution. It’s helpful to write down the solutions you both come up with, and then ask them to select their top three favorites.
Help them realize they are focusing on what they can’t do, rather than on what they can do.
Ask them to list the reasons why they CAN’T solve the problem. When they keep saying, “Yes, but I can’t do that for X reason”, you can say “Okay, and what else is stopping you?” Keep asking them “What else?” Eventually, they will get tired. When that happens, you can tactfully remind them that they’ve only been looking at what they can’t do about the problem, not what they can do.
Stop talking about the problem and ask them to write about it instead.
Sometimes talk is cheap and easy. Writing something down will make it more concrete. When a Yes But Person writes down their problem they have to define it in written words. During this process a problem not only becomes clearer, but solutions may become more apparent. If that is not the case, ask them to write down some possible solutions, as well.
Break the Cycle
The tips above will hopefully help the Yes But Person realize that they’re STUCK. I must confess, however, that they may not always like it when you use these tips, but by doing so you keep your own sanity and perhaps assist them in breaking out of their “Yes, but…” cycle sooner.
Fortunately, most people stop being a Yes But Person when they become unstuck. In When Harry Met Sally, Marie did eventually solve her problem by finally realizing that her boyfriend was never going to leave his wife. She ended up meeting and falling in love with a man who wasn’t married.
* * * * * *
What suggestions do you have for helping a Yes But Person?
Have you ever been a Yes But Person and if so, who, or what, helped you?
An Exceptional 10...
Colleen
Davina
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JC
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Talon
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Those 3 little questions you could ask your “yes-but” friend are truly invaluable.
Thank you!
Jannie Funster´s last blog ..The Missing Picture
Great and helpful tips, Sara. Sometimes the “Yes, but..” friend just needs a little nudge to get over the “but” hump.
Talon´s last blog ..Honest Scrap
Great post Sara! Honestly, I don’t have many yes…but friends. My oldest friend is the youngest girl with 5 older brothers…there was no time for “buts” lol. I am very careful about who enters my circle of friends (sounds like some secret society…lol). I got drained a few years ago by some women that laid all their problems on me…it was stressful and exhausting. I always tell my friends to follow their heart and intuition…
Caroline´s last blog ..What color are your glasses?
Thanks for this — this is a fun topic and one I see coming up often in my interactions with people. What I sometimes ask people to notice is what they start to feel when they’re about to “argue for their limitations.” What I often find is that people tense up inside, like they’re protecting part of themselves. Then they start to get, on a deep, physical level, that they see this problem as part of them, or their identity, and that’s why they argue so persuasively for it.
Such a great post on the concept of “Yes, but…” I find myself saying that a lot when I’m in therapy. My therapist will make a very astute observation and I’ll quickly reply with, “Yes, but…” Ah, how I love to rationalize! You’ve brought up some great points in this post and I’m definitely going to put this info to good use in my own life. As I’m still really working on this, I can’t say that I have any great insights only than paying attention to WHY you’re saying “Yes, but…” Ask yourself, “Who am I trying to convince?”
Positively Present´s last blog ..why i need other people to change myself
There is a saying in A.A. “Anything after but is B.S. I won’t spell it out here.
Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..The Power of Focus
@ Jannie — You are so welcome. When I trained as a coach (I don’t practice anymore), I learned about open-ended questions. They can really help get a person to focus on whatever is troubling them because they can’t give a yes or no answer. Open-ended question force you to think…I also use them when meeting people for the first time; they keep the conversation going. As always, I appreciate your comment:~)
@ Talon — That’s a great way to say it…getting over the “but” hump:~)
@ Caroline — Using these tips will also work with the person who dumps their problems on you and I agree that can be exhausting.
Choosing your friends well is part wisdom and part intuition. I’m pretty confident you have a good share of both:~)
@ Chris — Great point, Chris…thanks for sharing this! I think it makes sense that people do develop a connection with “their limitations” and this protective connection makes it harder for them to see other options. No wonder you are a good coach:~)
@ Dani — I think we all moments of being a Yes But Person. I know I do. That’s one reason I wrote this post…it takes one to know one! My boyfriend said he was going copy this post and stick in my face whenever I started a “yes, but” cycle:~)
@ Tess — THAT’S GREAT…I’ll remember that one:~)
Yes, I have been one of those people, but that’s just how i am
I like it — a “yes, but … butt-kicker post”!
Actually, your options are very wise and kind and helpful. And I like Chris Edgar’s description, that they “argue for their limitations.” I’ve been there, and I really like Dr. Wayne Dyer’s new book to help with this — Excuses Begone.
Lori Hoeck´s last blog ..Three ways a narcissist can take control
I once heard that when you say “but” you instantly cancel out whatever you said PRIOR to the “but”.
For example, “You’re a great worker, Sally – BUT….”
When you hear the “but” in the sentence above – your heart sinks because you instinctively know that whatever follows – it’s going to be bad!
With that in mind, when I hear “Yes, but”, I ignore the “yes” and recognize that what follows the “but” is the truth as the speaker sees it.
When I hear it – the first question I have to ask myself is – “Does this person really need a “solution” from me – or does he/she just need a sounding board?”
Sometimes – we just need to hear OURSELVES talk about a problem in order to find a solution.
Unfortunately for our listeners – it’s usually not until WE get tired of hearing ourselves that we’ll step up and make a necessary change!
Kathy | Virtual Impax´s last blog ..Perspective’s role in your marketing messages
Hi Sara. This is excellent advice. The “yes but” people don’t realize that they are dancing around the issue by yes butting. That’s like kicking Yes in the butt. Resisting moving forward. I see a dog chasing his tail when I think from this perspective. And the funny thing is, usually when people are yes butting and dancing around the issue it IS because they know the answer…. and they are just mining for another better answer.
Great post!
Davina´s last blog ..On the Edge of Being
@ Cookie — I like that you are comfortable with who you are:~)
However, if you get in a situation with a Yes But Person, these tips are always here.
@ Lori — I agree with you about what Chris said! Also, thanks for the book recommendation. I had not heard of “Excuses Begone,” but I like the title. I’ll have to check it out:~)
@Kathy — I agree with you there are times when a person just wants to a “sounding board.” You posed the perfect question to ask: Do you want solutions or do you just want me to be a sounding board? Then at least both of you know the purpose of the conversation:~)
@ Davina — Great metaphor…a dog chasing his tail! That’s interesting about people already knowing the answer…I think this can true, especially when fear is part of the scenario. Then the Yes But Person may be searching a better or easier option. Good point:~)
i’m not sure if yes but people want help, i think they have already made up their mind because they do not hear what you say or want to…it’s yes, but i’m going to do what i want.
so for those people, i just listen and try not to offer suggestions or fix their problem. if they really want help, there would be no yes but.
I would suggest…. focus on what you want rather than what you don’t want.
but gets used a lot with can’t
lovely reminder… thank you
best wishes
Ribbon
Ribbon´s last blog ..Knit one Purl one… stitches on the street
I just watched this movie two nights ago! Weird. I think most people want validation of their own feelings rather than hearing the truth sometimes. Hence, the but….
Shannanigans´s last blog ..Had to Share