Photograph by Sara B. Healy
This article was difficult to write because I have spent years focusing on what’s positive in my life. Despite this, I recognize that there is both a light and a dark side to the web of life.
I was reminded of this dark side recently when I ran into an old friend and was shocked by his appearance. He looked like a shell of his old self. We had lunch and he shared his story.
A few years ago he’d met someone he considered to be the “woman of his dreams.” She made him believe in love again.
The Emotional Predator Feeds on You
After their marriage things began to change. She found fault with his friends and family members until they slowly disappeared from his life.
She complained about anything from the clothes he wore to how he looked. He lost confidence and stopped defending himself. Their life revolved around only what she needed or wanted to do.
This woman eventually left him for someone else after having taken most of his money, as well as his spirit. He looked shell-shocked; the life had been drained from him.
I didn’t say it then, but I knew what had happened. He had encountered what I call the “toxic vampire”; something I too have experienced.
Abusive Personality Traits
A toxic vampire drains the emotional energy from you. They aren’t always love interests; they can also be a friend, co-worker or family member.
How do you know if you’ve encountered a toxic vampire? I’m no expert, but from my perspective, toxic vampires have certain personality traits:
Larger than life personalities make them attractive.
To some degree these people fit the narcissistic personality. They have a great need for attention and believe the world revolves around them. Their inflated sense of self-importance makes them appear highly self-assured and confident.
They lack empathy but are skilled at faking it.
Initially, they will make you feel you are the center of their universe. They can be very loving but only for short periods of time. When things start to fall apart they take no responsibility and feel no compassion for the other person.
They have many characteristics of the “toxic personality.”
Dr. John Lewis Lund, author of “How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities,” describes these personalities:
“A toxic personality is one you cannot please. He or she is incapable of giving total acceptance. YOU WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH. They dangle acceptance like a carrot on a string. The person who wants to be accepted and appreciated can never quite reach the carrot because toxic people only give partial acceptance.”
They will do anything to get their way, including emotionally abusing people.
The difference between the general toxic personality and the toxic vampire is that the toxic vampire goes beyond “partial acceptance.” If they don’t get their way they will reject and hurt the person perceived as blocking them. They may become abusive, perhaps not physically, but emotionally.
Awareness Supports Healing
There are more characteristics than I have listed here. I encourage you to share any knowledge you have of this personality type to support other readers.
My friend is back with his family and friends and is slowly healing. He has the support of positive energy that will replace what was sucked out of him, but it will take time.
Most importantly, he has accepted that he was more than a victim. He allowed the toxic vampire to use him. Accepting this wasn’t easy, but his understanding may save him from a similar situation in the future. He has taken back control over his life.
The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny. ~ Albert Ellis
What About You?
Have you ever encountered a toxic vampire or known someone who has? If so, how did you deal with this experience?
What recommendations would you give to others to avoid a toxic vampire?
I welcome you to provide information about suggested reading on this topic. Please add it to your comments.
Suggested Readings
Two blogger friends have published an excellent book that touches on this same subject. Lori of Think Like a Black Belt and Betsy of Passing Thru co-authored, The Narcissist: A User’s Guide, which covers almost everything you can think of about the narcissistic personality. Also, did I mention that it’s a free download? It is and I highly recommend that you check this book out.
An Exceptional 10...
Colleen
Davina
desk49
Hilary
JC
Lynn
Talon
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What a great way to describe that type of personality, Sara. Those types do literally suck the life out of you. They are extremely adept at spotting the weaker prey to feed on. I have seen the damage they can inflict, but, thankfully, never had to experience it firsthand. Quite often (especially when the toxic vampire isn’t a friend or relative), the victim refuses to see the negative qualities – in the initial stages of a love relationship, the toxic vampire is quite mesmersizing and I would suppose that is what allows them to be so successful (the old wolf in sheep’s clothing).
I’m glad your friend is recovering and I’m really glad he is rebuilding his self esteem to a level that won’t allow another attack.
talon´s last blog .."Charlie, hurry up and tell me! Is the coast clear?"
Hi Sara,
Thank you for the mention of our book in Suggested Reading!
You paint a great picture of this often hard-to-pin-down creature. They can be so smooth and manipulative it’s hard to see the darkened heart within. One of the best ways to recognize them is “go with your gut.” Their lack of empathy can be hidden by their skills with emotional slight of hand, but their inability to really provide the healthy give and take in a relationship creates a disquieting alarm inside of us. It can be hard to discern within the rush of their charm, exciting personality, or ability to stroke our egos, but taking the time to listen can save a lot of trouble.
Lori Hoeck´s last blog ..Self defense for kids made easier with a game
@ Lori — Thank you Lori for your excellent tips about how to recognize this “creature.” Your book is a good resource for people who encounter this type of personality. I wish it had been around when I ran into my own “toxic vampire”:~)
@ talon — I totally agree that the toxic vampire can be mesmerizing in the beginning and it can hard to convince people of the negative qualities. I think my friend will be just fine…he’s a survivor and a loving individual. I just hope that others will learn from his story. I hope they will read Lori and Betsy Book, The Narcissist: A User’s Guide, and other resources:~)
Hi Sara – A most excellent, insightful rendition of an all-too-familiar, heartbreaking scenario. Most of us are raised to see the good in people. Sometimes, in my own case for sure, that precept can morph into replacing potential for what really is. We so desperately want what could be from a relationship that we accept awful, wounding behavior from another.
Another integral piece of understanding is our own responsibility as contributors. Your friend, while still hurting, is intuitively assessing his role and moving in positive ways toward more understanding, and ultimately, greater fulfillment in the next relationship he has. It’s the silver lining in a very dark cloud.
Thank you for the gracious recommendation of our e-book, too. We really appreciate it as well as your artful treatment of the subject with this post.
Betsy Wuebker´s last blog ..What I Should Have Said
Hi Sara,
I have had a relationship with a toxic vampire and the strange thing is that I stayed with her. Like you mentioned on my post yesterday, I think it was about confidence, I didn’t think there was anybody else out there for me. I thought I needed to stay.
Things worked out for the best when she made the decision to end our relationship. Even knowing all this, it took me some time to get over her.
I did figure out that I could find love again. I loved deeply. I found an amazing person and moved on. Things didn’t quite work out with her either. But I know that things will, one day.
Perhaps, the only advice I can give is to take things slow with a relationship. Don’t ever rush because at the start everything is golden. You need to get to know that person before you commit to him or her and give away your heart. I don’t think I really knew her. I should have taken the time to.
Thanks for this discussion.
Chase March´s last blog ..Shad Interview
Hi Sara .. I probably have – but I don’t dwell on it now – I’m aware .. and that’s the best bit ..
The spider though I love – your pic – and might borrow it one day ..?! Bye for now .. Hilary
Hilary´s last blog ..Women – how much education have women had in the past 2,000 years?
Hi Sara
I’m a man, so I don’t understand emotion.
But I would recommend a small book called “Games People Play” by Eric Berne.
The idea behind the book is that we all play games and that it takes two (sometimes more) to play a game.
Games reinforce our views of life.
In any game where there is an Aggressor there must always be a Victim.
Both players, aggressor and victim get something from the game, even the victim…. that’s why they play it.
It reinforces their beliefs about people and life.
Great book, take a look and decide what games people are playing.
You can also check out which games you play…. scary!
Keith Davis´s last blog ..A helping hand…
Oh my gosh, YES, I have had an experience with just such a person and even though it was brief, it was horrible, and very hard to convey to anyone who hasn’t “been there, done that.” This person was just as you describe, very charismatic and winning at first, and full of charm. There were unreasonable jealousies of my friends, but I really didn’t see what I had got into until I traveled a longgggg way to be with this person. Any time things didn’t go just the way they wanted them to go, there was friction. Finally, the fangs showed, and though there was no physical violence, the emotional violence was crushing. I got away from them, but nonetheless went into a severe depression, lost a LOT of weight, and only came out of it many weeks later with the help and understanding of my friends. One thing that made me vulnerable was that this was a woman. I would have had my guard up more with a man. “Toxic Vampire” is the perfect term for someone like this. I feel for your friend. What one is left with is far more than the pain of a normal break up or falling out. They hurt your soul.
Fireblossom32´s last blog ..We Hold These Truths To Be Self-Evident…
Hi Sara
I think most of us have had a toxic person in our life. I was married to one and boy do they suck your energy alright.
I actually knew I should not have married him, my parents could see he was no good but I agree with some other commentors, something inside me needed this.
I knew he was hard work, yet I thought I was capable of handling him, of loving him to a better place within himself.
It was incredible hard for me as a loving and caring person to realize that somebody could be such a taker I guess.
It sure does take something to get out of their clutches and thank goodness I did. Now I do see other toxic vampires coming, I am still a sucker for their needs, but I am learning to say ‘no’ and send them on their way guilt free.
xox Wilma
Wilma Ham´s last blog ..Wilma on Our out-of-integrity world
I’m so glad you wrote this Sara. It needs to be told again and again to help those who get sucked into these people.
I know I said this in a comment over at Betsys’s and probably Davina’s and Patricia’s too but I didi not realize I had been peripherally ensnared by a narcissist until I read Lori and Betsy’s book. It was so freeing to me.
Luckily, I’ve not dealt closely with a toxic vampire. Well, I guess I did when I was younger There can’t be enough education about these sly charmers.
WONDERFUl article here! You held me spellbound from start to finish, Sara.
xo
Jannie Funster´s last blog ..Beautiful Austin, Texas — Through A Donut Hole
Oooh, very scary, awesome photo, Sara. I love what you’ve written about your friend. Not that I love that he had to experience this, but that you write about it with such truth. I’ve known a few toxic vampires in my life, but think I’ve been lucky to get away from them before they’ve been able to bite me. I once had a roommate who was one, but I kicked her out after only a few months. And changed the locks! For people who have been sucked into such a relationship, I would say be kind to yourself and realize that it’s a little like recovering from post traumatic stress disorder. You may run it through your mind again and again, so find someone safe and caring to talk to about what you’re going to.
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..At the End of the Day, A Poem About Happiness
Hi Sara.
You did an excellent job with this post and obviously care about your friend very much. Their experience has touched a lot of people through connecting with you and through you writing this blog post. I believe my mother was one of these people, though sadly the bottom line was that she did more damage to herself than those around her. We made peace with each other before she passed away and for that I am grateful.
Davina´s last blog ..A Sacred Space Is Not Always Sunny
@ Betsy — It is heartbreaking isn’t it? It’s even more so when I think about how much love my friend has to offer. He was raised to see the good in people and it saddens me a bit to know that his belief is dented a bit right now.
I appreciate your comment and also your latest post, “What I Should Have Said” for giving excellent suggestions for setting boundaries and coping with difficult people:~)
@ Chase — I think your recommendation is excellent — take time and really get to know the person you’re with. It’s not easy to do this in the glow of love, but it can save a lot of heartache. Thanks for sharing your story:~)
@ Hilary — Actually, it is a picture of a spider I took in Lincoln, England…isn’t that odd? Of course you can use it…just let me know:~)
Hi Sara! Good choice of a spider with the whole toxic vampire topic – I have equal disdain for both – though I DO love to watch spiders and am mesmerized by their webs.
Your friend (how sad) is one of the walking wounded. At least he is out of that relationship and will heal. It is a bitter lesson to learn but he will be all the stronger for it in the long run.
Man, I had a whole series of toxic vampires – they come in all shapes and sizes! I was the victim so many times I felt I was caught up in one endless soap opera. I ran a lot! I walked around wounded, which is not a good thing because predators sense this and pretend to want to “help you” heal, when in time, they just take over the toxic role. It takes a while to “get” this.
My only advice to anyone in this situation is to get out and spend some quality time (long!) getting to really know yourself, love yourself and build up a good foundation YOU – learn what compromise is all about and don’t delude yourself into thinking you are giving in to someone just to prove you love them. It can happen once, and it’s ok, but a true manipulator will try it again and again – that’s a flag – caution!
The twin of this to avoid is the needy person. Thinly disguised twin of the toxic vampire. A whole other post!?!
Hugs
suZen
suzen´s last blog ..How SWEET it is!
@ Keith — Thanks for your comment. I’m not sure I support the idea that being a man means you don’t understand emotion. I think men have the same capacity to feel emotions as women, but many have been taught to keep their emotions in check. Then again, I assume this statement is said facetiously?
I appreciate the recommendation of this book, Games People Play. I have included a link to the book on Amazon so that people can check it out:~)
@ Shay — That’s the thing about toxic vampire, it’s the person, not the sex of the person. I am so sorry that you ran into one. It is not a pleasant experience or one I would wish on anyone. On the other, to stretch my metaphor even further…at least you survived the bite of your “toxic vampire” and given what I know about you, I’m thinking it strengthened you, rather than weakened you:~)
@ Wilma — I think it’s fairly common for toxic vampires to seek people who do believe in the good of all people; people who are trusting. Knowing you and your site, I believe you’ve turned things around and used that bad experience to help others.
I also like your attitude towards toxic vampires…”I am learning to say “no” and send them of their way guilt free.” Good for you, Wilma:~)
@ Jannie — That’s what’s great about sharing information on these people. Hopefully, there will be people, like you, who get the information they need to escape the toxic vampire earlier than my friend. I like the term “sly charmers.” That fits these people very well. As always, thanks for sharing your thoughts, Jannie:~)
@ Patty — That’s a very helpful recommendation…reminding people who’ve been bitten by toxic vampires to be kind to themselves and treat their recovery like coming out PTS. I also agree with finding supportive people to help in the recovery from the relationship with a toxic vampire. Thanks for your suggestions:~)
@ Davina — Thank you for your kind words. It’s good to know that so many people are issuing warnings about this type of person. It really saddens me to think of a mother being like this, but it sounds like your family stood strong. I am glad you had the chance to make peace with her. I think it’s hard for those touched by toxic vampire to let go of their own anger once they’ve escaped, but it is an important of their recovery. Thanks for sharing your story and your thoughts about this subject:~)
I’m so glad you wrote about the female version of the predator-lover. Betsy Wuebker and Lori Hoeck seem to have really started a trend in blogging here. My post yesterday began a four-part series on the male predator (my ex-husband), and yours covers the female. It’s great that all this information is getting out.
Hi Sara,
I have been extremely fortunate not to have personally encountered someone like you described, although some aspects remind me of some people I’ve known. Not toxic, but again, not my friends in the end.
What I’d like to say here is that I’m relatively new to the world of blogging (since September of last year), and I am beginning to see how people connect with each other through their writing. I have learned so much and I look forward to continuing to learn and share.
Sara, I think it’s great that you wrote about this. Your love and support for your friend is evident and he’s lucky to have you in his life. I did some volunteer work at a shelter for domestically abused women and children years ago. I was struck by how the abuse took a toll on them physically. Some women there were only a few years older than I was but looked twice as old. They had very little self-confidence and really just fighting for survival. It was an educational experience for me and taught me to watch out for abusive behavior in others.
Life is way too short to hang with folks whop aren’t willing to release their judgment. Unconditional acceptance and gratitude make us young. I tend to remove myself form those folks who aren’t willing to accept.
Tom Volkar / Delightful Work´s last blog ..Courageous Individuality
How painful. Yes, I’ve known a few over the years. I agree with Tom Volkar. But sometimes we can be blindsided and have to pull ourselves up from the heap of hurt as we disengage.
My heart hurts for your friend. This kind of cruelty has an element of evil to it. Best to leave before it destroys us…
This is a really well-written and sensitive post, Sara.
Barb Hartsook´s last blog ..We Live Where Our Focus Is
@ Linda — Welcome to the world of blogging:~) It is an interesting way to communicate, but I love it. I have met so many wonderful people who have taught me so much. If ever you need help with anything, just go to my contact box on my site and leave me a message:~)
@ Belinda — Thank you about my friend. He will be okay because he has lots of support now. While my friend wasn’t physically abused, ANY abuse of someone’s soul infuriates me.
I admire you for volunteering in the area of domestic abuse. My eldest daughter worked as a Guardian ad Litem while completing her Masters in Social Work and she often said the same thing as you about the families with domestic violence fighting to survive. The thing about domestic abuse, especially when children are involved, is that it becomes a deadly secret.
@ Tom — In the case of a toxic vampire, the best thing you can do is remove yourself as soon as possible. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this:~)
@ Barb — It is best to leave. However, in some cases the toxic vampire doesn’t show his or her true fangs until he or she is ready to let their victim go…then all hell breaks loose and the victim truly did not see it coming. That’s another reason Lori and Betsy’s book is helpful because toxic vampires are almost always narcissistic people. Having a resource that helps you recognize the traits of this toxic vampire helps you escape sooner!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts:~)
Thanks for this Sara — I particularly liked the point you made at the end, that it takes two to tango — if we have someone in our lives we think of as “toxic,” it’s important for us to ask why we seem to need their acceptance, and why we’re choosing to compromise our integrity when they’re around.
Once upon a time in my life, I have encountered such personality. I never would have thought that I would fall in love with such character. After suffering the pain, I have realized that it’s my fault that I have allowed myself to suffer. In reality, we all play a major part in dealing with toxic vampires; they cannot affect us unless we are emotionally weak and has a very low self esteem.
I’m sorry your friend went through such a tough relationship. You wrote well on the matter. I’m sure most of us have encountered this character type at some point in our past.
On your previous post, that bird reminds me of the old Alfred Hitchcock profile for some reason.
Yup, been there, done that… unfortunately. And I don’t think I’m completely over it. I’m so not over it that if I ever saw this chap again I think old wounds would be reopened just like that.
And I’d want to hang around to see if anything could be resolved between us. Man, talk about a nutcase (me, I mean), but that’s what you want to do when you thought they were your friend and still entertain the possibility that they could be.
Enlightening article, Sara. Thank you.
Tony Single´s last blog ..Count Zero
Very good article here Sara and thank you for sharing. I think folks all over the internet are looking at toxic relationships because they are figuring out how to end the financial crisis in their own back yards…how could they have trusted or been manipulated by others and how can they end this toxic connection and not make this same mistake again…looking for the elixir. Taking on the big financial institutions is just too much, alone, but if we all work together…but then there is this toxic person right in my own neighborhood and wow I don’t want to fall for that again…
self healing and changing…
toxic really strips a person clean to the bones on many levels.
I grew up with a sibling who was toxic but not a vampire. I still find myself having the emotions return, just to lesser and lesser degrees.
Thank you for sharing.
Dot gave me a referral to you site from her recent post
@ Patricia — I think it’s hard to deal with any toxic personality. Because they are so attractive, toxic vampires are hard to recognize and escape:~)
@ Chris — While I agree with what you’re saying, it is predicated on a person realizing they’re with a toxic vampire. Given that these personalities are hard to recognize and are very good disguising themselves, people can get caught up in their orbit before they realize the person is TOXIC…just my two cents:~)
@ Walter — You are proof of what I said to Chris. Often it is after we get in rather deep with a toxic person that we realize “Oops…this might be a BIG mistake!” I suppose it’s when we STAY after that realization that we are making a decision to let the toxicity continue to surround us.
I don’t know if I agree that people in a relationship with a toxic personality have low self esteem. I can’t help wondering if the relationship with the toxic vampire creates that low self esteem. Then again, this may be the old “chicken and the egg” debate:~)
@ Hilary — Thank you for your concern about my friend. He will recover!
Regarding the previous picture post about he bird in the bush, that’s exactly what I thought about him…he does look like he doing a Hitchcock cameo, doesn’t he? Thanks for sharing your thoughts:~)
@ Tony — In my case, it took me a long time to stop all contact with my own toxic vampire. They are pervasive people and truly the best thing you do to break the spell is to avoid the person. Keep in mind, the person my friend ran into it was willing to do truly rotten things to my friend with no GUILT. That’s kind of scary, don’t you think.
I always appreciate your thoughts, Tony:~)