Charlotte sat on her dorm bed, nervously playing with her heart necklace, a gift from her dad before he died. Touching it, she remembered his words, “Darl’in, keep this necklace snug as a bug around your neck. When life gets out of kilter, it’ll remind you to look inside your heart and find the truth.”
She wasn’t sure what the truth was anymore. Ever since she’d come to Saint Anne’s, a small Southern women’s college, she’d desperately been trying to join her mom’s old sorority. Finally, they invited her to be a pledge, meaning she had to pass certain “tests.” To Charlotte, these tests were often mean-spirited, but she did them anyway.
Tonight was a perfect example. For her final test, she had to go to a dance with Johnny, a senior from the neighboring men’s college. The sorority girls called him The Ugly One behind his back because of the acne scars on his face. Her test was to attend the dance and pretend she was enjoying being with him, while the sorority girls made faces and giggled at her deception.
Her buzzer rang telling her Johnny had arrived. Picking up her purse and gloves, she straightened her petticoat skirt and walked out the door. At the steps leading to the lobby, a few sorority girls were waiting and teasingly called to her, “Now you have fun, Charlotte. Don’t you forget your promise, you hear?”
Charlotte ignored them and hurried down the stairs. The quicker she got this date over; the quicker she would pass the test. At the end of the staircase, Johnny was waiting. She pasted on a smile and tried not to stare at his scarred face. Instead, she looked into his soft brown eyes and saw adoration. Everyone knew he had a crush on her. It was why she was selected for this “test.”
After helping her into his truck, he climbed in beside her, slipping a small corsage of flowers around her wrist saying, “Charlotte, you look lovely tonight.”
On the long drive, they talked easily. In the dark, Charlotte couldn’t see his scarred face and soon forgot about it. She discovered he had a wonderful sense of humor; he kept her laughing most of the trip. She found herself relaxing in a way she’d never experienced with a boy.
Before the school entrance, Charlotte saw a brightly lit playground. Impulsively, she touched Johnny’s arm and said, “I don’t want to go to the dance tonight; let’s go to that playground instead.”
He surprised her by saying, “Is that a good idea, Charlotte? I know you have to be seen with me at the dance to pass your sorority test. I don’t want to be the reason you don’t get in.”
Charlotte felt the heat of her blush as she asked, “How’d you know, Johnny?”
“Don’t feel bad, Charlotte. It’s happened before. The sorority girls love to remind me of how ugly I am by using a girl I really like. Still, it’s worth it to be with you tonight.” He spoke nonchalantly, but Charlotte heard the pain in his every word.
She touched the heart on her necklace and said, “They’re not succeeding this time! You’re the nicest boy I’ve met in ages.”
He looked straight at her, his face stark in the playground’s lights. “Are you sure? These scars will not disappear.”
Charlotte looked back at him with a big smile and said, “Johnny, this is the first thing I’ve been sure about in a long time. So, push me in that swing and tell me stories to make me laugh.”
This is a post for The Red Dress Club. It’s based on this week’s prompt which asks us to write a short piece of no more than 600 words about a time when we took a detour, including where had we intended to go and where we ended up.
Constructive feedback is welcomed and encouraged:~) I want to improve my writing and hope those who read this post, will assist me in my efforts. Thank you.
Header photo Credit: belterz
{ 65 comments… read them below or add one }
Sara, I really enjoyed this story. I felt like I knew the characters. I’m sure I knew some of those girls. I was picturing myself at that age and what I would have done. The only advice I have is to send in what you have completed so far to Red Writing Hood and then continue the story so I can learn more about what happened. Have a great weekend.
Ginny´s last [type] ..Special Moments of the Week – Three Incredible Women
@ Ginny — thank you for reading this. Perhaps another prompt will allow the story to continue. You should check out The Dress Club. It’s very easy to participate and you get chose which prompt you want to reply to. Linking up is also easy. Think about and if you have questions, contact me. I’d love to share my experience with you:~)
I hope you have a nice weekend!
I don’t know what to say. Sorority stories are not quite up my alley. The only ones that were bad were the sorority girls. Then he did have a crush on more than one of the girls going to that sorority. I’m thinking his sister or cousin went there and she used the pledges to get him dates. I’m thinking that two hours of pushing her in a swing would kill his arms.
You did get the detour and where they were going and where they ended up. A 599 word story so you got under the 600. Nice job.
@ Ellis — I can’t believe you actually counted the words. Let me tell it took sweat and tears to get that number. I don’t usually write stories this short, but it’s fun and is a challenge.
I don’t get what you said about two hours of pushing the swing…where’d you get the two hours? Perhaps I should have mentioned that although Johnny had acne scars, he was a top basketball player and so, his arms were strong:~)
Did I mention this is loosely based on a true event in my life? For me, it was a great life lesson:~) Have a great RELAXING weekend, Ellis
Pushing swings and dancing
Was running through my mind
I thought maybe two hours
Were about the same time
@ Ellis — You are so much fun:~)
While I love having your name come up in the comment box, I do so miss the link I used to see to your poetry or stories. Then again, I fully understand the need for “breaks.” I’ve taken my share!
Thanks for stopping by and clarifying the subject of “swinging in swings” and “swinging at the dance.”
I love how you tuck life lessons in your stories, Sara. So lovely that her father stayed with her in spirit and wisdom and that she realized the true meaning of beauty.
I’m curious – do you write the story with the 600 word limit firmly in mind? Or do you write a story and then edit it down?
Talon´s last [type] ..The End
@ Talon — Thank you. Your words mean a lot to me as I think you are one of the best writers I know:~)
Regarding writing these stories, in the beginning, I just write the story without a word limit and then edit it down. If I think too much about the limit, I deny my characters what they need to say or do. Most of my drafts have been at least 900 words. I know a story is going to make it when I keep finding things I can remove or adjust, yet still keep the storyline. There have been failures:~)
Editing is tough especially in the time period I have, but I learning to find redundancy and to ask myself, “Is this word really necessary?” Sometimes it comes down to one or two words.
I’m glad you don’t write to a word count – that can be so limiting. And I hope you have long shorts, too, that you allow to grow out as long as they need to be without even thinking about editing at all…and you put them away for a month or so and come back and see what needs to stick around and what needs to go. I tend to write shorts that are at least 1,500-3,000 though I don’t think about the count. I don’t post them, though, as I always think they are way too long for the blog format – I think people freak when they open a post and it’s full of text – lol!
I’ve enjoyed writing the 55′s – they really force me to the bare essentials and still I itch to say sooo much more
Talon´s last [type] ..The End
@ Talon — In my “Works in Progress” folder I have stories of many lengths. I have long short stories and short stories and short-short stores. I have been doing exactly what you suggest. I put them away and then come back to them to see which ones will continue.
Can’t you break up the stories? I noticed that many of the people in The Red Dress Club publish chapters of on-going stories.
Like I said to Linda, I always admired the people who did the 55s. Are those done to a prompt?
You know what I am thinking. I truly wish that this is a true story, that this should happen in reality… This has such a happy spirit around it and I feel good… good work
Ratz´s last [type] ..From that Detour
@ Ratz — Well, the story is loosely based on a true event in my life. It didn’t end exactly as this story does, but it came close. It was a very good life lesson for me and I remember the real situation with much fondness. Maybe that’s why you feel the “happy spirit.”
Thank you very much for reading this story and sharing your thought about it. I hope you have a great weekend:~)
First off, love the picture, because it sets the tone right off!
It’s an interesting story. You can tell from the beginning that Charlotte isn’t so sure about the sorority thing. I love that she chooses to follow her own heart instead.
Lisa @ Two Bears Farm´s last [type] ..Kindergarten Memories – Memory Lane Friday
@ Lisa — Wow. That picture was hard to find!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts about this story. Yes, Charlotte did have to follow her heart and recognize the cruelty of the sorority girls. Although I was never in a sorority, I did attend a small women’s college and unfortunately, ran into some very mean, but popular girls. It was amazing to me how cruel they were to both girls and boys. It really taught me something about who I did not want to be. I only stayed at the school for one year before transferring.
I’m swooning at the sweetness of this post! That’s just what it is- a wholesome, enjoyable read. Love it!
@ Galit — And now, I’m swooning from your kind words. Thank you very much for reading the story!
I think that Charlotte will have the last laugh here. When her Sorority sisters realize that she has been able to look beyond physical appearances and into the heart of someone-they will be envious of her and what a true catch Johnny really is-(and his soft brown eyes don’t hurt either.)
This is a beautifully written piece that shows that life reveals some pretty surprising things in detours. Well done-I really liked this one:)
Valerie´s last [type] ..The Best Laid Plans
@ Valerie — Thank you and yes, Charlotte did get the last laugh. While this is a fiction story, it is loosely based on true events in my life. I see them as detours and valuable life lessons.
I appreciate your comment and thank you for reading this story. Also, I hope you have a wonderful, sunny trip and that you find lots of trees to climb:~)
I loved this! I think you captured Charlotte’s Southern background well and I really got the sense of the time period. Made me a little wistful really…I wish I had grown up in a time where girls wore gloves and petticoats and attended dances and socials. The ending was beautiful too; what a lovely detour! thanks for sharing such a beautiful story!
Kelly G in ATX´s last [type] ..Red Dress Club- Detour
@ Kelly — Thank you. Your comment makes grin from ear to ear. While this story is set a bit earlier than my time in college, I do remember petticoats and they were actually a pain, especially on windy days:~)
I appreciate you reading this story and I’m glad you liked it. Have a great weekend:~)
I loved the happy ending because I’m a romantic even though I would never, and I do mean never admit that out loud in the physical world. But then I wondered how happy of an ending is it since they aren’t seen by anyone else? And though I loved the circular nature of her father’s heart both real and metaphoric, her heart, and Johnny’s heart I really wanted them to go to the dance and show everyone the seed of something special, which in this story is being bigger and better than the people around you.
But what an enjoyable read.
Jennifer´s last [type] ..Wrong Way
@ Jennifer — I see your point about the ending and I might have explored that in a variety ways if only I had more words to spare. I am finding these prompt quite challenging to get my stories to 600 words. Hopefully, as I participate more, this will get easier. To give an idea, my first draft of this story was 900 words:~)
I am pleased, however, that you liked the story and enjoyed reading it. That makes me smile!!!
This read really easily. It reminded me of Danielle Steele’s writing (that’s a compliment – when I was young I think I read just about everything she wrote).
Kim´s last [type] ..Profiling
@ Kim — That’s funny about Danielle Steele. I’ve read some of her books, as well. I am honored that this reminds you of her writing.
Thank you for reading this story. I’m having a great time at The Red Dress Club and not just because of the writing; I’m really enjoying meeting so many fabulous writers. It’s fun:~)
I LOVE what you did with this prompt!! So sweet, so full of angst.. and tenderness. Well done, great storytelling!!
@ Frelle — Thank you very much:~)
This was wonderful. Sadly, that sort of thing is probably still going on in sororities. I pledged my mom’s in college and Hated.Every.Moment. Blech! But I loved how the story changed direction. That was a thing of beauty. And I’m very glad she didn’t go through with it!
@ Elizabeth Flora Ross — I’m also very glad you liked the story. It is loosely based on a true event in my life, however I never joined a sorority either, but I did attend a very small women’s college. I also met some pretty mean girls at that school. However, my daughter went to a women’s college — her choice — and loved it. So, maybe it depends on the school or even the time period.
I also happy that Charlotte made the decision and saw Johnny for who he really was. Thank you very much for reading this story:~)
Seeing the beauty within – I love this story. I really don’t have anything I’d change, but I would like to know what happens after. Did she pass the test and make it into the sorority? What happened with her and Johnny?
Reading the other comments, I have to agree with you. It’s easier to write first and edit later. I think if you focus too much on things like a word count, parts of the story never get told.
Evonne´s last [type] ..An unintentional stop
@ Evonne — regarding your questions, this is the problem with writing a story in 600 words or less. You get only a moment of time in the character’s life. When I write, sometimes my characters want to move on and sometimes they don’t. It’s like the trailer for a film — you only see a tiny bit.
I’m glad you responded to Talon’s comment and my reply. It is interesting how people make the decision to write a story. I have let my characters and develop before I even consider word limits. I wonder how it is for others? At The Red Dress Club, I once read how some people have a hard writing beyond 300 words…that’s amazing to me!!!
Hi Sara,
I’m glad you’re enjoying these creative writing challenges. Your story is sweet, and I wasn’t surprised that it ended differently than planned. After they got into the truck in the dark where physical attributes weren’t noticeable, and just talked like two people getting to know one another and enjoying each other’s company, I didn’t figure she would go through with the “test”. Good for her. She had a kind heart – a lot like you.
You learn a lot about editing when writing within a word limit. Remember Davina’s challenges? Those were fun, and then there are the Friday Flash 55s. Those are a real editing challenging, and every word counts.
Linda´s last [type] ..Friday Fun
@ Linda — I always admired you for the Friday Flash 55s you did:~) I also enjoyed your Magpie Tales. You have quite a gift for story telling and I do I will see more of your stories!
I’m pleased you liked this story and it’s ending. Thank you for reading it:~)
This was my first time reading your work and I’m so glad I did. What a wonderful story and you told it so well, truly felt as if it was non-fiction.
@ Jessica — Perhaps you intuition was telling you something. The story is loosely based on a true event in my life, but I felt it was better told as a fiction story.
Thank you for stopping by and reading my story:~) I’m really enjoying these challenges and the wonderful people I’m meeting:~)
Hi Sara .. that’s a great story and the picture brings it to life exactly .. loved it – you do write exquisitely well and use your photographic skills to bring the story to life ..
Loved it – have a great weekend .. cheers Hilary
Hilary´s last [type] ..Garden history
@ Hilary — I can say thank you for story, but not the photo. That’s a picture I found through stock photos, which by the way wasn’t easy as 1950 photographs are very common on the stock photo sites, especially those of dances.
Thanks for reading the story and I’m pleased you liked it.
Cheers, my friend:~)
Sara, thank you for starting my day off in a positive direction. That story made me feel great and I think it is really well written. I am a poet so I am used to squeezing all the energy of a poem down into as few words as possible (revision is my middle name!). I believe that is what you did and that is one reason it is so powerful. Keep up the good work!
@ Jean — I think being a poet is really hard as there’s so much structure involved in poetry. I do write some poetry, but it harder for me than creative fiction.
Thanks for reading the story:~)
There are so many things to love about this story. I love that he knew what she was up to, but went anyway. And I really love that she saw past his scars to the person inside. What a beautiful story!
@ Stacey — Thank you for your kind words. I like this story too. I don’t always know what will happen with the characters, but in this one I did from the beginning:~)
This was my frist round of RDC writings and I didn’t even realize there was a word limit
Thank you for outlining editing in your responses.
I enjoyed your story, found it easy to connect with the characters and felt like I knew who they were
@ SoberJulie — That’s great about not know the word limit:~) Regarding my responses about editing, I almost wish TRDC would talk about that…maybe they have in the Twitter conversations. I’m not really active with Twitter, but it is interesting how people approach their writing. For example, I usually know the names of my characters before I start writing. I see them in my head. One of my challenge is to get better at the 600 word limit so that I can add more colro and texture to my characters…it’ll come in time.
Thank you for reading this story and your kind words about it:~)
I loved your story, Sara! I teared up at the end when Johnny said he knew why she was with him and when Charlotte touched her necklace.
I’ve been joining G-Man’s fridayflash55. It’s been a most enjoyable process and I’m finding it easier to write very short stories these days. Not sure how I’d do with this meme but I’ll read any story you write!
@ Belinda — And I will read yours. I have loved your latest poetry. I often see poetry as serious, but you are a master at writing in such way that there’s always a touch of humor to make me LOL.
I’m glad you liked the story. It was fun to write:~)
Hi Sara,
That’s a beautiful story! And I’m amazed how you can tell so much in just 600 words. It seems while reading that there are so many details of the story that it should be a long one.
Also it is so grabbing that i read it really fast and wanted more of it. Great work!
About advice, as I mentioned before, there’s no much that I can say since my grammar and writing knowledge is very limited, so all I can say is, from a reader’s perspective it is great writing
Raul
Alien Ghost´s last [type] ..Movies and Time
@ Alien Ghost — It’s not easy!!! I get to the point where I asking the same question of every word, “Are you really necessary?”
That’s okay about the advice, I just really appreciate that you enjoyed reading the story. That’s mean a lot to me. You never know how a creative writing will be received and that’s part of this challenge. So, thank you, my friend, for saying that is “great writing.” I’m smiling:~)
Sara, this is pure delight! Thank you!
hugs
suZen
@ Susan — I’m so pleased you liked it:~)
Sara – this was just excellent. My mind flashed to “mean girls” from high school. I’m so glad that she realized what a treasure she had right there.
Lynn´s last [type] ..Pansies- rhythmic music and knackered
Hi Sara,
You engaged me throughout the entire story, what a ride. I like how you opened the story as well. I agree with desk49 that I’m not usually interested in sorority stories with “tests,” all the more reason you deserve a pat on the back for keeping my eyes glued to the screen.
Great job, Sara Songbird.
~xo
Lori´s last [type] ..Savor
@ Lori — I’m glad you enjoyed the ride. It means a lot to me that both you and Ellis stayed with the story.
Thank you, Surfer Girl, for your nice “pat on the back.”
I really loved this, I’m so happy that she made the decision that she did. You did a good job of foreshadowing how things might tun out though, it was evident at the beginning of the story that she didn’t like the idea of making fun and being mean to him. Love these characters, everyone making fun of Johnny could have made him bitter but he comes off as a very nice person.
@ Lydia — As I said in earlier replies, this story is loosely based on a true event in my life. There was a boy kind of like Johnny and he was one of the nicest boys I ever met!
I appreciate you reading this story:~)
The was a great read, full of wonderful little details to set the scene. The purse and gloves, petticoat… And I’m so glad she made the right choice in the end!
One thing bothered me, from a plot standpoint, though. It sounds like these girls prey on this guy a lot, and he knows it – which doesn’t ring true, since he’s obviously smart. In this case, since he likes her, sure he’d take the bait, but all those other times? Did he have huge crushes on all the other initiates, too? For me, that kind of takes away from his integrity as a romantic hero.
CDG´s last [type] ..He Knows Which Side His Bread Is Buttered On
@ CDG — If only for a few more words, you would also learned about the paten leather dance shoes Charlotte wore:~)
I appreciate your feedback. I understand the point you’ve made and someone else also raised this issue. It’s all part of the learning process. That’s why I enjoy TRDC because people do point up weak spots in a story, which allows me to find a way to strengthen it. So, thank you:~)
This piece such an amazingly sweet tone to it. I thought it was lovely. You write so efficiently – not a word is wasted in this wonderful piece. I do like how Charlotte’s interaction with Johnny facilitated the “detour”.
Visiting from TRDC and my own blog where you stopped by the other day. Thanks for your comments. So nice to meet you!
@ Melanie — Thanks for reading the story. It’s also nice to meet you! I am really enjoying participating in TRDC and learning about writing a 600 word story:~) What we would do without CHALLENGES!
Loved the story. Very sweet.
Learned about how to properly utilize dark restaurants, as well.
Kelvin Kao´s last [type] ..Laughing Myself Awake
@ Kelvin — Yes, this one was a bit sweet, but it took place in the 1950′s.
It took me a second to get your meaning about your second line in your comment. I may not have known about “utilizing a dark restaurant,” but I did learn the unfortunate lesson about not being “pretty” when I was a teenager.
For example, I had to take ballroom dance lessons. They’d line the boys up on one side of the room and the girls on the other side of the room. Naturally, there was never enough boys for the number of girls! When a dance started, the boys would come across and ask the girls to dance. I was usually not selected. I ended up dancing with the teaching assistants. But before I move into a rendition of the song, “When I Was Seventeen,” there was a good side of this as I never had squashed feet and I learned to be a good dancer:~)
I liked that Sara
Easy to read and sort of pulled me along… if that makes sense.
Guess good writing always pulls you along.
As soon as I started to read I thought of the Hazel O’Connor track “Will You” from the fantastic album “Breaking Glass”.
Listen to this and tell me that you don’t get goosebumps.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJSqcvAQ8l8
Keith Davis´s last [type] ..Surfing the video wave
@ Keith — Thanks for reading this story and I’m glad you liked it. I also appreciate the introduction to Hazel O’Connor. I loved video! It was great that it had both her singing and the words to the song. I love music poets:~) I’ll definitely look for this album. I especially liked this line, “Take off your eyes, bare your soul.” Wow…that’s nice!!!
I’m honored that you this story made you think of this song!
I very much liked your story Sara and it reminded me of so many of the nice and fun dates I had with the fellows who just wanted someone to listen to them and enjoy them for who they are…
We all have problems but it is the folks that are just themselves rather than pretending to be someone else or cover up that just seem to be the real “winners” and you captured that feeling so well –
I like too how the blog world is bringing more short stories into the experience – I think they were forgotten and abandoned for a while.
A red dress story – sweet
You do such nice things and share such nice ideas…
Thank you
Patricia´s last [type] ..Abundance Alchemy- Journey of Gold Evelyn Lim
@ Patricia — Thank you about the story. I am pleased that you enjoyed it.
I agree about the short-short stories. I think online writing has really opened the door for this type of story.
You are so nice. I really appreciate your kind words. Thanks:~)
I loved this. It’s funny. I was having my hair cut/colored tonight, and the stylist at the chair next to mine made a joke that revealed how shallow her concept of beauty is. I’m afraid this old lady told her that beauty isn’t something to be found in a salon no matter how talented the stylist. Then I had to laugh at my own vain self, sitting there trying to pretend I don’t have gray hair!
Liz´s last [type] ..NaNoWriMo
@ Liz — Join the club about the coloring of hair. If I had the kind of hair that goes silver, I might be less inclined, but mine just turns this mossy shade of gray. So, I also sit in a chair with little silver foils pasted to my head. My biggest fear is someday, there will be a fire or something like that and I run outside the salon with my silver foils dancing up and down as I rush. It would be enough to scare little children!!!